Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
They shave their pits. The guys, that is. When Jersey Shore's Pauly D showed the Daily News how to administer a proper Blow Out, I paused and rewound on three different occasions. I thought to myself, "Why, I had no idea DJ Pauly D was a competitive Olympic swimmer! So typical MTV, hiring already-famous celebs to appear as everyday Americans!"
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Allow me to paraphrase- why do most girls write like thissssssssss? Maybe I'm beating a dead horse with this one, but I'm not entirely sure what emotion is conveyed by the extended consonant. In fact, I don't even know how to pronounce, "omg stoppppppppp."
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Celebrities get to do so much cool shit that we plebs cannot. They forgo pants, they can do drugs in front of the president, they can kill people, and they can wear face paint. Maybe even all at the same time! I can't help but wonder where this face paint trend came from. My guess is that it has something to do with the band MGMT's rise to fame in summer 2008. Did the facepaint come from MGMT's motherland of Wesleyan in Middletown, Connecticut? Is that what people do there? Or was it merely birthed from the sinewey loins of North Brooklyn? Regardless, I'm into it. You can find me at a lame bar in Murray Hill trying it out this weekend.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Letter to my fans regarding my partnership with the state of india and the BBC:
FIRST, i want to thank the arthurs of this blog for giving me access to this fourum and before i start i want to make something very clear: i am a serious actress who takes acting seriously and just because my friends who aren't my friends but i thought were my friends have betrayed me in the past (you know who you are, SAM) doesn't mean that i am irresponsible or a bad actress.
now i would like to address my latest documentary in india (shout up to the BCC!) which will be a film that will showcase my talents as a serious actress but also a serious human being who is concerned about human traffic and poorness and water conditions that make it difficult to boil rice and pasta which leads to starvation. i've been told they r shopping the title as "the slumdog and the millionaire" and i will be playing the millionaire and in a twist sure 2 shock u i will also play the slumdog as u will see how genuinely sad these conditions make me. i will showcase two sides of myself (one might have dark hari and one might have light.) I'm returning to my roots playing duel roles like i did in parent trap (RIP Natasha, I miss u always) there is currently no word on a release date but i will say that this documentary will be VERY sad and it will tear at your hearts and if u don't see it you might be missing the next oscar nominee for best documentary or best actress in a documentary.
LAST, dina wanted me to let all U haters know that my reason 4 doing this is because of humaniteranium side and NOT bc of the large generic pharmaceutical industry in india (generic is for poor people). thats rediculous.
ps sam, call me
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
2) "8 days til Cabo!" Vacation count downs. Nope, don't care.
Monday, December 7, 2009
"Trials and Tribulations"
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Facebook has morphed into a crazy ex. I decided to give up the website about 4 months ago, since all I ever used it for was stalking myself (full disclosure: this is my only hobby), and for a nausea induction agent when I would stumble (I swear it was accidentally) on communications between acquaintances and one of my former significant bedfellow's who had been defriended. I didn't want to quit ye ol 'book entirely, because though I don't stalk people other than myself, I still wanted other to be able to stalk me, and look at all those amazing pictures of me having so much fun, so, I had a trusted friend change my password, and used self control to restrain myself from clicking the 'forgot my password' link. It was fabulous for awhile, it was basically like having a personal assistant or secretary manage my online persona (i.e rejecting weirdo friend requests and making sure i don't look like a cow in tagged photos). But now, Facebook, the unrelenting ex, is conning friends into contacting me on its behalf. 5 people have written on my wall telling me that facebook wants to reconnect, and that we need to talk, and that it will be better this time around. Is there anyway to get a digital restraining order, but you know, still let people stalk me?
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
My sister ruined The Giving Tree for me, so now i'm going to ruin it for you. Now I don't mean to get all Jezebel-y or anything, but can't I like this book without having to think its misogynistic? yeah yeah I know- she gave the boy her apples, branches and trunk and was left only as a miserable fat stump, but considering shel silverstein looked like this, I'm relieved far greater crimes were not committed.
Maybe its because I don't really remember the 80's, (I was less than 5 years old, but I'm pretty sure the quaaludes didn't help) but I get quite nostalgic about the early 90's. I miss the days in which watching peroxide blondes and oiled up hotties gyrate for an hour on Mtv Beach House or The Grind was considered quality programming. I miss the old Jenny McCarthy... before she thought she could single handedly cure autism. I want to wear a Budweiser swim suit. And not ironically.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My Presbyterian prep school taught abstinence-only sex ed through a program called "Choosing the Best." Once a year, our androgynous female (I think) P.E. teacher taught us that premarital sex probably lead to herpes (not the family friendly mouth kind!) and definitely lead to AIDs. Couples who did have sex in high school, were closeted about it. And those who didn't have secret sex openly discussed their "no touch zone" policies. As you can imagine, college was a bit of a shock for many of us. Thank you, Mother Jones for this glorious piece. If only I'd heard the side hug rap sooner... I could've been saved.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I'm looking forward to getting old, and by old I mean elderly. I plan on wandering the city either in fur coats and dripping in jewels or with a pair of wings and a wand terrorizing children by trying to take their teeth. But by far I think the best part of getting old is the day that I switch to a Craftmatic Bed. I cannot wait.
There are many great questions in life. Why did Bill choose Monica? Why is there an "s" in "lisp"? Who Killed Jon Benet? Sure, these question may puzzle me, but the one question which continues to blow my mind is: Which is worse- the necklace or the earring?