Monday, November 30, 2009

M.E. + T

My sister ruined The Giving Tree for me, so now i'm going to ruin it for you. Now I don't mean to get all Jezebel-y or anything, but can't I like this book without having to think its misogynistic? yeah yeah I know- she gave the boy her apples, branches and trunk and was left only as a miserable fat stump, but considering shel silverstein looked like this, I'm relieved far greater crimes were not committed.


Maybe its because I don't really remember the 80's, (I was less than 5 years old, but I'm pretty sure the quaaludes didn't help) but I get quite nostalgic about the early 90's. I miss the days in which watching peroxide blondes and oiled up hotties gyrate for an hour on Mtv Beach House or The Grind was considered quality programming. I miss the
old Jenny McCarthy... before she thought she could single handedly cure autism. I want to wear a Budweiser swim suit. And not ironically.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Side Hugz

My Presbyterian prep school taught abstinence-only sex ed through a program called "Choosing the Best." Once a year, our androgynous female (I think) P.E. teacher taught us that premarital sex probably lead to herpes (not the family friendly mouth kind!) and definitely lead to AIDs. Couples who did have sex in high school, were closeted about it. And those who didn't have secret sex openly discussed their "no touch zone" policies. As you can imagine, college was a bit of a shock for many of us. Thank you, Mother Jones for this glorious piece. If only I'd heard the side hug rap sooner... I could've been saved.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Aging Gracefully.

I'm looking forward to getting old, and by old I mean elderly. I plan on wandering the city either in fur coats and dripping in jewels or with a pair of wings and a wand terrorizing children by trying to take their teeth. But by far I think the best part of getting old is the day that I switch to a Craftmatic Bed. I cannot wait.

Also, this is the picture on the Craftmatic Homepage:

Homework Assignment

Familiarize yourself. There will be a quiz.


I want nothing more than the Slumber Party Package at The Plaza Hotel. Designed by Betsy Johnson, the suite is available rawther steep price of $3,855/night.

(photos courtesy of

Unsolved Mysteries

There are many great questions in life. Why did Bill choose Monica? Why is there an "s" in "lisp"? Who Killed Jon Benet? Sure, these question may puzzle me, but the one question which continues to blow my mind is: Which is worse- the necklace or the earring?

Monday, November 23, 2009

New Study Reveals Prolonged Exposure to Tom Cruise Turns Children into Zombies


Stella McCartney Knickers of the Week, $195

Things I Don't Want.

Alexander McQueen Fathhful studded leather glove clutch, $1,095

Two accessories for the price of one? I don't get it.

The Big O

Fine, I'll admit it. I love Oprah. When 4PM rolls around, there's nowhere I'd rather be than wrapped up in my comforter listening to Oprah yell celebrity names . There's some sort of serene Earth Mama quality to her- something about her fluffy hair and rotund physique that makes me want to curl up in her lap and take a nice little cat nap.

With this in mind, I was a little sad to hear that she was retiring her show after 25 years, but then I remembered that this means I will never ever have to endure another Oprah sex show. Nothing horrifies me more than an Oprah sex show- whether she's asking Jenna Jameson her favorite posish or exploring teen "sexting," I really don't want to hear it from Oprah. Regardless, I can't look away. Maybe I'm just all too haunted by awkward childhood memories of witnessing my mother watch these episodes (i.e. she power walked on the treadmill in sneakers and a skirt with the tv on), but whatever the case may be, I am thrilled that I'll never have to hear Oprah say "G Spot" again.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Prequel To Mo'Nique's 2004 Blockbuster Hair Show

Friday Give Away

You guys, I am so excited. Our first give away... featuring the fantastic make up memoir, "Going Rouge" by Sarah Palin. You can learn all of her beauty tricks. Whispy bangs galore! Bump it. A $28.99 value for a lifetime of beauty tips, rimless glasses and pizzaz. Leave a comment and a winner will be chosen at random. You have until Monday.

update: Mazel tov, David. She's yours.


Post-cranial human bones. Act fast though, they've already run out of all the separated hand bones. Human bones are the perfect stocking stuffer. And think of all ways you can confuse crime scene investigators!

I would only go if it were actually made of cheese

Everything in the whole entire world reminds me of some book that I read before I hit puberty. Without fail. Like an op-ed today about how theres some water on the moon or something, and "We can finally begin to think seriously about establishing such a self-sufficient home on the Moon" (finally!) and "This place has no atmosphere" a early 90s novel about a 16 year old girl whose parents force her to move to the moon, destroying her perfect social life. They lived in a bubble on the moon. And performed "Our Town". Really, its a classic piece of literature.

Things I Don't Want.

I mean maybe if
they weren't in black.  How expected.

Things I Don't Want.

Please don't ever give
this to me. 

Guest Blogging: Zen and the Art of Fupa Maintenance by KSM

Hollywood's Hottest Secret is just that: a secret. It's not the cookie diet I hear so much about at 4 AM on basic cable. It's not the kinky shit Dakota Fanning likely gets into. It's the mystery around old Hollywood's strangely absent FUPAs. I was recently making a collage of my favorite Hollywood starlets- Ellen Burstyn, Maggie Smith, Shirley MacLaine- when I noticed. Even Dame Judi Dench, a woman who got back, keeps her Fupa skinny. I'm wondering if there is some exercise they're all in on? This could save middle America. And moreover, I'm wondering if the reason they keep themselves in such good shape is because they still need to strip naked to get a good part?

Swedish Simplicity.

Obscure Historical Hunk: Lewis Powell

While googling Supreme Court Justice Lewis Powell [note: i have an unhealthy obsession with the Supreme Court] I discovered this historical dreamboat. Sure he conspired to kidnap and kill Abraham Lincoln, and actually succeeded in stabbing Secretary of State William Seward several times, but the guy is a total hunk. Described as an introvert, fanatic, and lunatic I can't help but thinking he was a man before his time... better suited for life on Bedford Avenue. (His disguise while a fugitive was a large fake mustache...swoon.) Powell tried to kill himself while on trial for his crimes, but who knows if it was because of sheer craziness, or the fact he hadn't taken a shit for the whole month of May(I'm not really sure how that ends up in the historical record, but I digress). Though he died in the gallows in 1865, about 130 years later Powell's skull showed up among a collection of native american skulls in the Anthropology Department of the Smithsonian. Spooky and Sexy. I'm into it.


I Would Die 4 U.


A long long time ago a man who used to be a fixture in my life and I created the world's greatest trivia game. But, since lets face it, I was the brains of the operation, its all mine now. And by mine, I mean mine to share with you. Alas, I am unveiling a semi-frequent (i.e. whenever I feel like it) trivia game here on Up Two Snuff. Its called: "3-named-actresses-who-were-famous-in-the-1990s" ©. Think: Mary Stuart Masterson, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Kristen Scott Thomas. There will be prizes.... and trivia questions, whenever I get around to making them.

Why am I not you?

How does Cory Kennedy do it?  The 19 year old LA it girl perpetually looks like shes on 2 day bender.  Her hair is beautifully frizzy and her eyes are never really focusing.   But don't get me wrong- I'm completely jealous.  Why some mega hipster photographer didn't pluck me out of the 9th grade obscurity known as my parents basement- I guess we'll never know.  Why I wasn't guest editing Nylon magazine by age 18- I'm at a loss for that one too.  I hope that Cory Kennedy knows she's one lucky duck.  My rock star boyfriend is not only fictional, he certainly doesn't take me jet setting with him.  In the meantime, I'm going to keep using Photo Booth and practice rolling my eyes around so they look just like hers. 

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Mrs. Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum

Jeff Goldblum, I love you. I loved your dramatic fake death in New Zealand. I love that you dated Nicole Richie back when she was still totally into drugging and dieting. I love the Law & Order episode where you find a murderer based on DNA evidence collected from a bedbug. But most of all I love the way you get nekkid on the beach. Sweetheart, you make no mistakes. Please let me be your 24 year old girlfriend.